“You’re doing amazing sweetie!”
As I was swiping through my Instagram story, there it was. The next inspirational quote that would send me into a thought-provoking, self-help, life-changing ADHD spiral. See, I have this idea of the perfect version of myself in my head, don’t we all? The person we see ourselves as when we’ve fulfilled all of our goals and have everything we’ve ever wanted? Well I’m always looking for ways to become her; the boss girl walking the streets of the city, Prada bag in hand, Tom Ford sunglasses on my face, the hottest outfit, shoes, and perfectly laid hair. Little girls everywhere looking at me as they drive by and see me on my way to the corner restaurant to meet a girlfriend for lunch. They watch and think, “I want to be her one day,” just as I did. Now, the problem, is actually being that woman. The quote was something like “for a week, make every decision that you would make if you were the baddest-bitch version of yourself.” It really got me thinking about if, and how, I would make decisions differently in my everyday life. If I make conscious decisions with my actions and conscious choices with my words, rather than going through the motions, and reacting on emotions, I could, and would be, a completely different person. I would get up early enough to hit the gym, have a healthy breakfast, and put effort into my appearance with outfits and make-up. I would take care of the house chores and work tasks without distractions and procrastination. I would stay on top of self-care spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I then ask myself, what’s stopping me from being her today? If we make the conscious effort and CHOICE of being present and already being the person we want to become, is that all it takes?
A few days later I went to pick up my kids from school and I was definitely not looking like the baddest-bitch version of myself. I had been working on a paper at home all day, so when 2:30 rolled around, I threw my curls up in a pony, put on some slippers, and headed out the door. It was only 10 minutes after dismissal had started, but as I pulled up to the school, I saw every parent’s worst nightmare… they had closed the parent pick-up line. I knew this meant I would have to put it in park, and go inside. Considering I had no bra on and looked like I had just rolled out of bed in the middle of the afternoon, I knew the only thing little girls everywhere would be feeling for me, was judgement.
Up North, Marie was dealing with the news of finding out her mom has stage three cancer. Her mom, a saint to all, has been taking care of her husband who had also had a stroke a couple of year prior. With two sick parents, all Marie longed for was the support of her husband, who still hadn’t come to his senses. While she hoped things would simmer down and everything would fall back into place, he was dramatically spewing less than factual gossip about her throughout the city; things she had to hear from her teenaged daughter, and in the midst of her anger and frustration, she decided to see what he was really up to. She grabbed his old phone that still had everything on it and opened his Facebook Messenger. There it was, the first thread, a conversation so inappropriate that she knew… she knew the reason he had been projecting the accusations and the hate, was because there was a guilty party involved, only it wasn’t Marie, it was him.
And while Marie contemplated the state of her marriage up north, Abigail was settling into the semester, and her new job, with minimal hiccups. I say minimal because we are talking about Abigail. In the past year, the girl has had FIVE jobs. She first left her job as a mental health technician because let’s just be honest, healthcare workers are undervalued and underpaid, and went to work for Amazon. After many more early mornings and late nights delivering packages than she cared for, she decided to do something more laid back and got a serving job. She was there for a few months before a Mother’s Day throwdown caused her to walk out. She then tried a pharmaceutical technician position, however had to start looking elsewhere when the pharmacist quit, leaving the pharmacy with no doctor to operate. She went back to a serving position where she is now, and is making decent money at her restaurant. The problem arising now, is an 18 going on 80 server, who probably had all of the gentle parenting and none of the discipline. Being me, I asked Abigail if she wanted me to come eat and sit in the girl’s section while being annoying as payback, but she reminded me that she was perfectly capable of teaching someone about respect. I haven’t heard the girl’s name since.
After my week of making conscious choices and choosing my words, I realized that while we all try to be perfect, we are human. We will all have bad days; choose the burger instead of the salad, put the laundry off until tomorrow, and say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment. What are the ups without the downs to compare it to? What is reaching your goals without enjoying the journey? The real problem; what mistakes aren’t forgivable? Does Marie give in and forgive her husband because she needs his support right now? Should Abi confront her coworker or let it go and hope the girl leaves her alone? As for me, while I still have the perfect version of myself in my head, I’ve decided to simply enjoy the path to becoming her, while giving myself the grace to sometimes make mistakes. We all do.
