Expect the Unexpected

My new job at the LUV airline had an entire box of eye candy. Instead of flying, I had been working operations at the airport. The only difference now, was that I knew I was stained and tainted. I don’t know if it’s something I innately felt in my heart, or if it was engrained in me by society over the years, but I knew that having kids- and no husband- would brand me a floozy. Would I ever find a man that would take me seriously? If I’m being honest, at the time I was asking myself this question, I didn’t deserve to be taken seriously.

The first situationship I found myself in started like most others, with a bag of chips, longing stares across the breakroom, small talk, and subtle hints. It grew into what situationships grow into- I wanted more than what he could give me. To be fair, he was honest about what he couldn’t be for me and my kids, but also made it clear there was still something he had to offer me.

To avoid another Houston heartbreak, I decided to give something else a try. I had built a friendship with a coworker in my department. He was such a gentleman. He was my entertainment at work, helped me make a house a home, and always told me I was beautiful. At one point we fought the urge to go to the courthouse and jump the broom. He was the Aiden to my Carrie. Of course, it abruptly ended when he found out I was still sleeping with Mr. Can’t Be What You Need Me To Be.

So there I was, back to square one: single and none the wiser. Little did I know, I would find my Mr. Big 6 months later and just like Carrie, I’ve spent every day since in a chokehold. Another kid and 4 and a half years later, I find myself in this stationary relationship wondering why we can’t move forward. Why aren’t we married, and why are we so complacent? Does the expectation of a spiritual, emotional, and physical commitment ruin the actual commitment? Of course, it is more complicated than that. For now, all I can do is me, while I wait for him to be ready for us.